How much money did the bronco have? Only a buck!
Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf.
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do you call an iPhone that isn't kidding around? Dead Siri-ous.
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she poured a bowl of Cheerios and said, "Look, my alphabet soup spells 'Ooooo.'"
According to Apple what is the leading cause of iphone 6 overheating? Downloading images of Candice Swanepoel.
Chuck Norris' beard can etch a sketch a picture of chuck killing a man. When the last line is drawn, that man dies!
Played a round of golf with the local course pro for some helpful tips. After playing the first hole I turned to him for some advice and all he said was "loft". So after the next 4 holes I asked him again and all he said was "loft" Now we're done with the round and I asked him why after each hole all he would ever tell me was "loft"? To which the pro relies "loft" - "Lack Of F*cking Talent"
A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo." The man replies "I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies."
Q: Why did the blonde keep an empty carton of milk in the fridge? A: In case she wanted black coffee.