‘Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.’
Groucho Marx
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
A computer programmer has been missing from work for over a week.
Finally someone notices and calls the police.
They break down the door of his flat where they find him dead in the shower, an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.
The programmer seems to have died from a combination of exposure and exhaustion.
The puzzle is explained when the police read the instructions on the shampoo bottle – ‘Wet hair.
Apply shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.’
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Vote:
Pet Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades.
Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
What is height of Fashion?
Dhoti with a zip.
Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!
What is a moo hoo for a cow fight?
A cattle battle.