Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
‘Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.’
Groucho Marx
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
A computer programmer has been missing from work for over a week.
Finally someone notices and calls the police.
They break down the door of his flat where they find him dead in the shower, an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.
The programmer seems to have died from a combination of exposure and exhaustion.
The puzzle is explained when the police read the instructions on the shampoo bottle – ‘Wet hair.
Apply shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.’
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Vote:
Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades.
Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.
After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.
The Perfect Man
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.
He must be musical.
Tell jokes.
Sing.
And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want,get a TV!"
Vote:
Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia.
When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, sarge, why did you stop?”
The sarge replied, “He’s in Georgia now.
They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”
Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains.
You must be close to my age.
How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep.
No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
Vote: