Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
‘Money frees you from doing things you dislike, since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.’
Groucho Marx
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
A computer programmer has been missing from work for over a week.
Finally someone notices and calls the police.
They break down the door of his flat where they find him dead in the shower, an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body.
The programmer seems to have died from a combination of exposure and exhaustion.
The puzzle is explained when the police read the instructions on the shampoo bottle – ‘Wet hair.
Apply shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.’
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
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Pet Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."
Yo' Mama is so skanky, she was asked to leave the OTB.
The earth is rotating because Chuck Norris is breathing.
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