Man, to friend, ‘My wife makes terrible demands for money.
Two weeks ago she asked for £50.
Last week she wanted £100, and yesterday it was £150.’
Friend, ‘What does she do with it all?’ Man, ‘I don’t know.
I never give her any.’
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
‘One thing about Jim,’ his buddy said to the bartender.
‘He knows when to stop.’
Where does an Irish family go on holiday?
A different bar.
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
Yo momma's so stupid when her son said break a leg, she really did.
Water can drown if Chuck Norris stays underwater for too long.
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Chuck Norris once planted a box of Cheerios in his yard, the result was a donut tree.
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Chuck Norris once gave a cop a ticket for speeding.
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Researchers once tried to measure Chuck Norris' IQ, but found that numbers don't count that high.
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TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?
CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?
TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am.
You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.
CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?
TECH: You just need the modem in your computer.
That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.
CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?
TECH: I'm not sure I understand?
CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?