Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"
The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it.
A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home.
Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family.
Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Lawyer’s creed – a man is innocent until proven broke.
What’s the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
The hooker will stop screwing you when you’re dead.
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft.
In today’s civilized society, it is called golf.
A worker approaches his employer and holds up his last wage packet.
‘This is two hundred pounds short,’ he says. ‘I know,’ says the employer.
‘But last week I overpaid you two hundred pounds, and you didn’t say anything.’
‘Well,’ says the worker.
‘I don’t mind an occasional mistake.
But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.’
I’ve been very depressed lately.
My wife’s threatened to leave me.
But even that hasn’t cheered me up.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go on holiday to a tropical island.
The brunette takes a beach umbrella, the redhead takes a crate of suntan oil, and the blonde takes a car door.
‘What are you doing with a car door?’ asks the redhead.
The blonde replies, ‘If it gets too hot, we can roll the window down.’
Yo momma’s so fat, her driver’s license says, ‘Picture continued on other side’.
Yo momma’s so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled, ‘Land Ho!’