Host migration is Chuck Norris pausing multiplayer.
Vote:
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers.
The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual.
"Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.
One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing.
The bartender watches him go through the same ritual.
Curious, he asks the bloke why.
"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia.
We have our birthdays on the same day.
We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other.
We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"
The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers.
The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"
The bartender asks "so which one died?"
"No one."
"But you only ordered two drinks!"
"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills.
The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man
"Gotta pay first."
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
"OK, here's what you have to do.
First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth.
You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life.
You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot.
No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp.
Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back.
Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure.
Chuck Norris goes killing.
Vote:
An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says:
"Right, you've had enough, go home..."
So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says:
"Ok, ai'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more"
He gets outside, and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home.
when he gets home he opens the door, standing, and yet again falls flat on his face.
so he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.
The following morning his wife wakes him up and says, 'You've been drinking again haven't you?'
The Irishman replies, 'What makes you say that?'
His wife replies, 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
How do you get a blonde to drown?
Put a scratch and sniff on the showerhead.
What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?
Stegosaur-rust.
Yo momma's so ugly, Freddie Kruger took a paternity test to prove he wasn't her son.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.