How to catch a polar bear:
Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond.
Cut a large hole in the ice.
Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file.
Hide behind a nearby rock.
When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
A mailman meets a boy and a huge dog.
‘Does your dog bite?’ asks the mailman.
‘No,’ replies the boy.
And the dog bites the mailman’s leg.
‘You said he doesn’t bite!’ yells the mailman.
‘That’s not my dog,’ replies the boy.
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
He set a new lap record.
What are cat-erpillars afraid of?
Dog-erpillars.
Q: What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?
A: De-calf-i-nated.
Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire?
A: He got arrested just like you would've.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox!
Why did the dinosaur have so few friends?
Because Tyrannosaurus reeks!
Q. What did one frog say to another?
A. You're such a WART!