How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.
When Chuck Norris walks into a room, the mice jump on chairs.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle? A: They both get fucked up when they're on their backs.
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark? A: A bird that will talk your ear off!
Two lawyers walking through the woods attracted the attention of a vicious-looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said: "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear." "If you know that, why are you changing shoes?" "Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."
Two snakes are talking. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?" The other replays, "Yes,why?..." "I just bit ma lip."
Yo momma is so hairy when she lifts her armpit up it looks like she's got Bigfoot in a headlock.
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl programs.
You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make it drink.