If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.
If Chuck Norris replaced Roy Scheider, the movie would have been known as Broken Jaws, and would have only lasted 12 minutes.
Chuck Norris will be the star lead in the remake of the movie "300" it will now be called "1"
Chuck Norris puts all of his baskets in one egg.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Chuck Norris can put out fire with gasoline.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.