Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol?
A: Tequila Mockingbird
Harry, to Tom: ‘I went to the dentist this morning.’
Tom: ‘So does your tooth still hurt?’
Harry: ‘I don’t know; he kept it.’
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says, "sorry we don't serve snails" and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says,"What did you do that for!?"
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A very short painter walks into a Parisian bar and offers to buy his friend a drink.
His friend, rushing out of the door, shouts, ‘Can’t stop now, no time Toulouse.’
Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common?
A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
Q: Why doesn't Simon Cowell drink whiskey?
A: Because it makes him mean!
What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.