Chuck Norris only mast*rbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
A cow and a horse were galloping around a curve opposite to. They landed in each other. Who was wrong? The cow, it didn't blow its horn.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? So they can find their way back to the house.
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
I got this antique watch from my grandfather on his deathbed – he put up one hell of a fight for it.
Jesus saves. But wouldn’t it have been better if he had invested?
My dad is really annoyed, I had the TV on and he accidentally saw the entire football match – he’d just wanted to watch the results on the news.
Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
Why do they bury lawyers in 20ft holes? Because deep down they’re all really nice guys.
A drunk falls into one of the fountains in Trafalgar Square. Floundering around, he looks up and sees Nelson standing on his column. ‘Don’t jump!’ he shouts. ‘This is the shallow end!’