A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as quickly as he can. The bartender asks, "my goodness, why are you drinking so fast?' The guy replies, "You would be drinking just as fast if you had what I have." The bartender looks at him curiously and says, "What do you have?" The guy responds, "Only one Dollar."
How does a frog confuse you? When he comes out and says he needed that nap and feels much better.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street? A: A case of Schlitz.
What do you call a dinosaur with magic powers? Tyrannosaurus Hex.
Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Make the world your playground. Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps. If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do. When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up. Always find a good patch of sun to nap in. Nap often. When in trouble, just purr and look cute. Life is hard, and then you nap. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy. Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there. Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner. Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
Seen in a bar near here: "We don't stand in your toilet, so please don't pee on our floor!"
What's the biggest difference between men and women ? Men are crabby all month long.
How did the blonde die icefishing? She got run over by the zamboni!