A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".
Chuck Norris solved Unsolved Mysteries.
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
Chuck Norris can turn carbon paper into diamonds.
Did you hear about the horse that has made a dozen films? He's not a star though, he just does bit parts!
What do headmasters and bullfrogs have in common? Both have big heads that consist mostly of mouth.
The holiday season: A deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain? Stegosaur-rust.
Q: Why are Christmas trees better than Men? A: Even the small ones give satisfaction.