Doctor to patient: "Why are you nervous?"
Patient: "Because this is the first item I am going to have An operation."
Doctor: "But I am not nervous though this is going to be my first operation."
If you want to know God’s opinion of money just look at the people He gave it to.
Q: What is worse than waking up the morning after an orgy with pubic hair in your teeth?
A: Waking up with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth.
Two old guys from a senior center were sipping lemonade on the porch when one asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains.
You must be close to my age.
How are you feeling?”
Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”
“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”
“Yep.
No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”
What leads most people into debt?
Trying to catch up with people who are already there.
Q: What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A: You push them both aside when you eat.
Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields.
One blonde says, "Look over there!"
They see another blonde in scuba gear acting like she's swimming through the wheat.
The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us blondes a bad name."
The other blonde says, "Yeah! And if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and tell her off."
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th and it wasn't Jesus birthday.
Jesus was to scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day December 25th is known as Jesus' birthday.
What did the mother vampire say to her daughter when she picked up a tampon?
"Honey, no in-between meal snacks!"
"Yo momma so stupid she steals free bread!"