Chuck Norris was about to die... until the Grim Reaper phoned in sick.
The two thousand member Catholic church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The priest was ready to start the Mass when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church. One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons. The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!" Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the alter boy. After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The priest was holding steady in the pulpit. The men put their weapons away and said, gently, "All right, Father, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the Mass."
When Clark Kent goes into a phonebooth, Superman comes out. When Chuck Norris goes into a phone booth, it explodes and Chuck walks away.
When Jacques Cousteau reached the bottom of the sea he found Chuck Norris snorkeling.
Beetlejuice is afraid to say Chuck Norris 3 times.
Chuck Norris can only text if the phone's touch screen is bullet proof.
Chuck Norris won American Idol, only using sign language.
Chuck Norris has one pet. It's name is fear.
Chuck Norris put his phone on air-plane mode and flew it.
In 2011 someone asked Chuck Norris if he had ever been to Portugal. He answered: "Where?" The country went bankrupt.