The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
Golf: A five-mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool;
Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael.
‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat.
‘My wife usually sits there.’ Michael replied.
‘But why isn’t she here?’ the neighbor persisted
‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?’
‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’ said Michael.
There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.
The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no!
he beats me!".
The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".
So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"
The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"
How did the blonde die icefishing?
She got run over by the zamboni!
While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises.
‘Tell me,’ says the doctor.
‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’
I’ve got nothing against watching a darts match.
I just wish my IQ were low enough to enjoy it.
What did the trampolinist say?
‘Life has its ups and downs, but I always bounce back.’
Tennis
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.
"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends.
"I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."
"Batted .007," his wife added.
After 8 rounds the boxer comes back in his corner, extremely grinded.
The couch says to him:
You should better take a decision!
You want the champion title or the Nobel for peace...