The best Chuck Norris jokes

Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and as he enters, notices a horse and the end of the bar with a sign on it. Out of curiosity, he approaches the bartender and asks what the deal is with the horse at the end of the bar. The bartender tells him: "The sign says if you can make the horse laugh you'll win $50. Take note though that hundreds of people have tried and no-one has been able to do it." "Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back." So he walks to the end of the bar, whispers something into the horse's ear, and within seconds the horse is laughing hysterically. "That's amazing," said the bartender. "Tell you what, if you can make him cry I'll double your winnings." "Get out the money," says Chuck," I'll be right back." So Chuck walked again over to the horse, came back to the bartender 2 minutes later, and the horse was balling and sobbing like a baby. "Well," replied Chuck Norris, "First I told him a had a bigger d*ck than he did. Then I showed him."
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Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back. But Chuck Norris always handles things the first time
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Even though Chuck Norris' lives in Dallas, Texas, his house still has spectacular views of both the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.
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Chuck Norris is the only person to really have "Birthdays". The rest of us have "Thank you Chuck for allowing me to live another year- days".
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Daylight Savings happened when Chuck Norris overslept an hour.
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Clark Kent had to call himself "Superman" because "Chuck Norris" was already taken.
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Chuck Norris has no freezer. He stares at food and they freeze with fear.
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Chuck Norris couldn't act in Titanic because he would have saved everyone.
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When Chuck Norris works out at the gym, he doesn't sweat. The weights do.
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Chuck Norris can piss into Gale force winds.
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